Thursday, December 11, 2008

My big, messy self-indulgant rant

We are coming to the end of another crazy busy week, and I'm drained. But it is only thursday night and it's looking like no down time till sunday.

Sunday we had a family day, did a bunch of laundry-we were all wiped from the previous week but were able to spend the day at home, we got the tree up and lights on, and that is how it has been all week.

On Monday Will had preschool, and my mom was kind enough to bring him there and back since she was going to the Ymca anyway. It was an amazing morning of playing with Ben, getting my laundry folded, pushing the laundry through, puttering around the house. I love to putter. Work on projects at a slow pace and not be stopped 75 million times. Dave called at the end of the day to say he wasn't coming home till late, but didn't know how late. So no tree decorating, instead feed the boys and get them ready for bed myself.

On tuesday I could see Will was bouncing off the walls as soon as he got out of bed, so I invited some friends over who have kids the same age as mine. they played, I cooked lunch, stayed till one, the boys took naps, dave called at the end of the day again to say he was coming in late, but didn't know how late. No tree decorating, called my cousin who I knew was home alone with her little boy that night, invited her over and made supper for everyone. then they left and I put the kids to bed myself.

On wednesday Will had school, when I dropped him off I noticed that I was supposed to bring in a present for a little boy-the Y had set up a giving tree-I took a tag, but had no gift to turn in. It was due that day, so Ben in his footie pj's and I not showered went to Kohls. (I thought I was going home and would dress Ben and possibly shower myself then). I of course could not find the damn tag in my traveling dumpster of a car, and all I could remember was the boy was 7, his favorite color was red, and I was supposed to buy clothes of some kind. I stopped a random person to help me guess at sizes, bought an entire outfit and a few toys to throw in the box-I mean what 7 year old boy wants clothes? Ran back the Y to put it together and hand it in, picked up Will from preschool, head home, Ben napped in the car and refused to nap at the normal time. Will napped as soon as he got home, when he got up, Ben went down, by the time Ben got up it was time to leave for my in laws for supper.

Today I woke up to a house completely trashed from Tuesday and a large pile of dishes in the sink, the kids were horribly whiney and making me crazy before I could even get one cup of coffee in or log onto my email-mama needs her coffee and internet time, seriously, before I can do kids all day. I did a half-assed quick clean ( I threw a pile of toys in a large bin) vaccuumed the floor and did load one of two loads of dishes. And picked up the bathroom. I ended up having 6 kids under 3 and 3 parents (Including myself). I was just too tired to cook so I spent 30.00 on pizza. (when playgroups get expensive there is a problem) It was nice to have the playgroups, I like having the playgroups-I think I may have playgrouped myself out this week. Thursday is bowling day so no dave until after bedtime again, so get the kids ready for bed myself. Just came downstairs to clean again, not cause I care about clean at this point, but my mom is coming tomorrow, so have to get house mom clean.

Tomorrow I work 7a-7p, mom comes here to hang with the boys until it is time to take will to school. Before work I have to do any last minute cleaning(but Dave will help) and lay out all the boys clothes for the day, pack the diaper bag, and pack Wills school bag for show and tell and swim.

Saturday Dave told me he has to work, and then pick up a dishwasher and deliver it for his parents and sister, then we have a birthday party at 2pm-(naptime) , so it looks like we are busy until saturday night.

I'm exhausted, so I"m heading up to bed now. Just getting frustrated because it seems to me I'm always busy but nothing gets done, and I never have time for me. I'm still way behind on laundry, both bathrooms need cleaning, I'm surrounded by piles of clean laundry again-to sort, to fold, to put away, to store. Christmas decorating is half done, Christmas shopping is half done, still have no christmas cards made to send, my coupons are way behind-need to be cut and filed. Bills still need to paid.

It seems to me that other people manage to stay on top of this stuff and get things done, I feel like I'm always spinning my wheels. Yes there are lots of times I could be more productive, like first thing in the morning when the boys are quiet and usually happy for a little while. I am not awake, and don't want to move then. I really get going around 3pm, when they are cranky, dinner needs cooking, noone is listening. Is this just me or is everyone this frustrated and not saying it?

I understand why Dave is working so much, it brings in extra money that we need, but is this just a phase of life I have to survive? Will I ever have anything in this household the way I want it to be? Will I ever get a little time to myself to go to yoga, or see a girlfriend? Or am I an underpaid short order cook/manservant, because that is what I feel like most of the time.

I just feel like there is some sort of malfunction in my wiring-that I can't focus on more than one thing at a time, if my house is in order, my bills aren't paid and my coupons are a mess. If the coupons are done the house is trashed. I'm like a walking organization nightmare. My mom and husband often say stuff like "Well if you just did it this way you could have it all done", or "I don't understand how everyone else can do it but you cant", or " what do you do all day, this house is trashed!"

Whatever, I'm going to bed, this too shall pass right? I have a roof over my head, a husband who loves me-even if he says THE WRONG THING-most of the time, and healthy happy boys. Sometimes I just feel stifled, bottled up and lost in the catagory of "mom". Sometimes it would be nice to be "Alison" not person-who-does-stuff-for-me.

And based on re-reading what I just wrote? I need to start exercising again, cause I felt so much better when I was.

This week I hosted three playgroups at my house, it would have been four but my girlfriend cancelled at the last minute, which is fine cause I was just as tired as she was.