Echo's

My head is full,

One of my patients is a little woman, who I can tell has been very independent her whole life, her daughter is by her bedside. This family has come off as really demanding, but after spending some time with them I can see what they are concerned about. I'm watching this daughter worry about the level of pain her mother is in, what is causing the pain, the meds needed to treat the patient. After the mom is painfully transferred to a stretcher and wheeled to a biopsy that is sure to be painful, I'm in the room with her daughter who is wiping tears away. I reassure her that there are other meds they may be able to give down there that I don't have access too, that I would be upset too if I knew my mom was hurting, that I would call her when her mom gets back, and I'll keep a close eye on her. It isn't enough, but it's all I can say.

Today, the day after Thanksgiving, my husbands family is talking about hospice for his 90 year old grandmother. I feel like a conductor of a train I don't want to get on. Because of my health background I have seen families go through this process, and truthfully my in-laws have already been through this before I even joined the family with his grandfather. I just feel like it's my job in some way to guide them, or more specifically my husband through, and I'm not all that sure I'm even qualified. Waiting for the word, wondering if this is really going to happen within the next four weeks before Christmas. Knowing that I cherish this woman, for how wonderful she was to my husband as a child, to my sons, how when she knew who I was she was always wonderful to me. I don't want to watch my husband and his family suffer, I don't want her to be gone, I especially don't want to have a conversation with my three year old about death.

And finally thinking of my own mother, and maybe how I may end up in these situations with her one day, knowing who she is, what she has accomplished in her life. I think I'll call her and tell her that I love her.