This morning I was battling my one year old, he ran into the 3x3 bathroom (i'm so no kidding it is that small) after me- wanting to brush his teeth. As I informed him that it was time to leave the bathroom (read-picked him up and moved him) he got mad and started howling, As I carried his heavy little butt out of the bathroom I remembered a story about a toothbrush, something his brother did about his age, which got me thinking about all the crazy things kids do that really make you a parent.
Oh sure, there are the obvious ones, getting up every two hours, having an infant just plain not go to sleep, trying to figure out breastfeeding, dealing with sick kids. But as a mom of an almost 4 year old(can someone please explain how that happened) and a one year old, I have learned there is more to it than that. That is the stuff I expected to happen. It's the stuff I never saw coming that makes for the best stories!
I set out every day with the intentions to be a good mom. I love my kids and I want them to be safe. My mom has a little plaque hanging on her wall, she has had it since I was kid, and I hated it then. Now it is extremely funny. It says "I could be a perfect parent if it weren't for my kids."
So here is my list of things that only happens to you if you have children:
1) You walk into the bathroom to find your child standing on a stool, using your toothbrush-not on his teeth however-to vigourously scrub out those little drain holes in the sink!
2) Your son pees on your bed-twice in about two hours. The first time was an accident, but apparently he liked your reaction. So he climbs back up and pees on it again, after you had already stripped it. In the phone call to your mom that follows to ask how to get urine out of a pillow top mattress, she says-"Alison, why didn't you have a mattress cover on it" to which the only answer you can come up with is-"I did-the first time he peed on it!"
3) During the let him walk around naked so he will learn to use the potty "trial" period, he poops on the floor, then finger paints with it all over the kitchen cupboards and the china hutch.
4) The applebee's trip http://ali-rnmom.blogspot.com/2008/08/im-not-supposed-to-actually-kill-him.html
5) The time I woke up in my bed wondering what was different, to slowly come to realize that I was soaked with urine, and in a place where I could not have possibly soaked myself.
6) The other time I woke up soaked-but at least I knew what had happened that time.
7) The time I went upstairs to find the entire bathroom covered in shaving cream. I'm not exagerating-he actually stood on the toilet tank and covered the wall about four feet up, the entire toilet, sink, floor, toilet paper holder, towel bar. It was a sight to behold-unfortunately I did not get a picture, I was too busy cleaning it up before his father saw it-it had been a rough afternoon and I was worried for his life. (No my husband would not have killed him-but let me just tell you, that day was bad-and that would just have been icing on the cake!)
8) The playground trip http://ali-rnmom.blogspot.com/2008/10/and-just-when-i-thought-nothing-would.html
9) The time I opened my cupboard under the sink to find my toothbrush nestled right up to the garbage can.
10) When me and another parent were silly enough to comment out loud, that it was nice the kids were big enough now to go upstairs and play, to find they had gotten into the bath crayons and colored all over the upstairs hallway, drawn 12 inch lines all the way down the stairs about a foot apart, and after we got over that surprise, realized his daughter was soaked. Upon further questioning, they got into the sink, and then climbed on top of it to get to cupboard where I kept the bath crayons so he would not get into them.
11) The time I came home from work to find a video my husband and neighbor had taken of my one year old child (my only child at the time) climbing the ladder himself unsteadily, and then going head first down the 10 ft slide in our backyard.
12) Your three year old son picking a new tampon out of your purse and saying "mom, I don't know what this is!"
13) When my one year old escaped out of the preschool room during a party for my older sons class, and a kind woman who happened to know he was mine brought him back. In my defense my mom had just walked out that door, and I thought she had taken Ben with her, but I had just figured out he was missing when he was brought back in.
14) The time I was in a very small consignment shop with Ben and I put him down at my feet so I could look at a high rack. I gave him my purse to empty and he was very happy, until I looked down and found he wasn't at my feet. In a very short period of time he had crawled about 10 feet, unfortunately it was out the propped open door of the shop and he was sitting on the sidewalk. There is a reason we have given this child the nickname ES-CA-PE! (say it like Dory does in Finding Nemo)
15) what about you? Have any good ones?