my breastfeeding experience

Today my baby is 4 weeks old. That's 4 weeks of a small indecisive person sucking on me night and day. We are finally finding a rythm, he is getting better at making up his mind he wants to eat and getting down to business, or maybe he is just finally waking up, he is only 4 weeks old!

I was able to beastfeed my first son for 14 months. Yeah, I know, that's a long time. Noone was more surprised than me! You see i thought the whole thing was gross, it made me sort of squemish to see other woman do it. I never knew where to look, but I did what everyone should do. I minded my own business and looked away. oh, and I tried to act normal.

The thing is I'm a nurse, and when I was pregnant with my first son I had just finished nursing school. Six months before my first pregnancy I was doing my student nurse rotation on a maternity floor of a hospital. I was responsible for trying to assist new moms with breastfeeding, I was learning all about how it is done, how good it is for the mom and baby, and for me the best and most important feature-the immunity it passes on the the baby. A jump start for their immune system! With all the germs out there, with all the drug resistant germs out there, how could I not at least try to do this for my kid, even if I wasn't *ahem* comfortable with it.

So I gave it the old college try, and when I decided to try I meant it I went to a breastfeeding class and brought my husband with me, (ok so I refused to touch to fake boob they passed around and may have made a few immature jokes, noone but my husband heard me I swear)
I did this even though I was sure the whole thing would just fail, and I could use formula and say-well I tried. I knew enough to know that it was hard, that lots of people had trouble, so I went into it expecting it not to work.

Well imagine my surprise when it not only worked, I never had any complications! I had a day of trying to get my sleepy baby to latch on, I had sore nipples for a few days, that was about it. Oh and when i went back to work and pumped he wasn't so thrilled about that whole bottle thing. (my husband broke him eventually)

We nursed through teething with no issues-he never bit me, we nursed through solid food introduction, we nursed straight through his first birthday. After I went back to work and we both adjusted to that transition it was easy, it was cuddly, it was my time with my baby after I came in from work at midnight. I got to hold him, smell him, cuddle him, rock him, while he filled his little belly so I could then go to bed already!

Breastfeeding in public was hard, just because I am a private person and I remembered how I used to feel about seeing it. I quickly got over that once I was out in public enough times with a hungry baby. My best tricks are-using a fitting room in a department store when at the mall-I just took in a clothing item I had no interest in trying on so noone would question me. (note this doesn't work anymore when baby is too interested in the new surroundings to latch on), timing outings so I would only be out an hour or less, feeding baby in restaurants below the level of the table-worked for me cause i'm really short with big boobs. Or parking my car way out in a parking lot and feeding the baby there. I also nursed in groups with other moms, nothing says leave us the hell alone then there being more than one of you!

My only regret with our breastfeeding experience is I didn't know the last time I breastfed him it would be the last time. I had weaned him down to once or twice a day, and one night I offered him a cup of cows milk while I rocked him at bedtime, he asked to breastfeed. I fed him and decided I would let him ask from then on. He never did again. From then on it was cows milk at bedtime.

I think it is important for anyone starting this journey to at least attempt to nurse, like they mean it. Go into it knowing it is harder on the mama, you sit up however many times a night while your spouse sleeps, you have sore nipples, you worry about pumping, having enough milk, making sure you eat and drink enough each day. never mind the exhaustion, the desire for some personal space (could noone touch me for five minutes please!) never mind the lack of sex drive.

It helps to have a supportive spouse-and I do. It is a must to state your needs-as in I had better get a nap today honey! Sleep really does effect breasmilk production-take it seriously. I also joined a breastfeeding new mothers support group through the hospital I delivered in. I didn't have any problems to speak of, but each month of breastfeeding presents its own issues, and it was nice to talk to other moms and know what might be coming, or how they dealt with their issues.

If breastfeeding doesn't work for you and your family-fine, I am no nipple nazi. I think it is more important that moms be happy with their babies, whether that be bottle feeding or breastfeeding, but I wish more people got educated before they deliver their babies, and tried.

Excuse me I have to go feed my baby now!

finding our footing

this being the mother of two boys thing takes getting used too.

i didn't realize how much i enjoy my relationship with Will. i love the funny things he says, the cute way he says them-like when he has hiccups he says he has "gups in his tummy", he says "i a boy", today he told my mom his name was "no name", it just goes on and on. i love his little personality and just being around him. it sort of surprised me how i didn't automatically feel like that about Ben-i forgot i didn't always know Will like i do now, that it took time to get to know him and what to expect from him.

i look at Ben's little face- i see my husbands eyes, nose, ears, and coloring, but i don't know what makes this little boy tick yet, or what to expect from him. i forgot how mothering an infant is flying by the seat of your pants and hoping something works.

i didn't realize how much more you worry when there are two of them. did i remember to change will's diaper? did i offer him enough to drink?, did i find enough time to sit and hold and talk to him? did i put the baby down too much? is he getting enough physical contact, talking too, all the stuff he needs to grow. was Will too rough with Ben just then? i am always mentally taking stock of what i have done for who lately, have i done enough, am i enough for them?

simple things like housecleaning and laundry present all new challenges. i can't leave Will and Ben alone too long cause Will has a tendency to be a little rough and i don't want the baby smothered while i go to the basement to do laundry, so i try to wait until they are both sleeping or daddy is home...but i'm having a hard time keeping up with it. dishes must be done at the first available opportunity or putting away toys because you literally don't know when you might have time again.

as of right now we don't have much of a routine to speak of, Will still gets his naps and meals, but beyond that each day just comes as it comes. i have a feeling this mom of two thing evolves, we are almost 4 weeks into it. i would have to say we are doing ok, but i might have a different answer tomorrow

boys will drive a mama crazy!

when at 10:30 in the morning you call your husband and ask-"how important to you is it that you still have a 2 year old when you come home?" he laughed and said "important why?"

he's driving me crazy, i'm tired, i have a baby i have to take care of, never mind basic stuff like feeding and diaper changing and clothing and keeping safe the one who can walk and talk, but apparently not listen or do as told!

just as a highlight, so far today he has taken off his diaper and pooped on the floor, accidently spilled the dog water all over the place, dumped out all his toys three seperate times, and is clinging to me like crazy.

on the other hand he is adorable with his brother, keeps asking to hold him and telling me to get the camera! that makes me laugh. everytime the baby cries he runs to him and tells me to pick up his baby, and the-boy-who-does-not-share took me going to the bathroom as an opportunity to completely cover his baby with toys, as in couldn't see the baby.

brothers! it's a good thing they are cute!

frustrated!!!!

i'm having a rough day, and as much as i would like to just type it all out and send it into cyberspace-i can't. i'm upset with a member of my family, that i had been relying on. for help during the day with the boys, for company that i was looking forward too...i don't need someone here during the day, it was just nice to know someone was coming. for their own reasons they cannot come during the day, and i'm probably hormonal but it hit me hard, more because it happened with no warning, i was waiting for them to show up today and they just didn't, didn't call either, when i finally got a hold of them they said " you don't need me do you", and no i don't need someone to help me watch my kids or do housework, so that is what i said "no we are fine. " and we are fine.

stuff like this has happened with this same person my whole life, and it is just disappointing, and i probably read into it and take it a little to personally, and i never have before, but now i am comparing what this person does for me vs what they do for others in the family....

the whole thing is just depressing the hell out of me...and like i said it is probably just the hormones and lack of sleep talking but this is where i am today.

i lost my blog!

i lost my blog!!! no-i have no idea how it happened, i went to log in to myspace, i got a message telling me that my blog either doesn't exist or the owner has set it to private, i'm the owner, i didn't set it to private. i can even log in, but it is just gone! i'm extremely frustrated, i hope it comes back as spontaneously as it left, it has a year and a half worth of posts and pics! if anyone has heard of this or knows how to fix it let me know!

for now this is my home, i'm afraid to start another myspace and have it disappear again!

for anyone who wants to know, ben is two weeks old now, he lost his umbilical cord! will is acting up a little and has gotten really cuddly the last day or two, but i would have to say he is adjusting well.

ok thats all for now, i hope to play with this more this weekend-if i find enough quite time!