searching for something

I keep saying I want to be more honest in my blogging...so here it goes.

I need something. No, I can't elaborate as to what that might be, because I don't know..right this very second though I just want out. I need to clarify that. I am delighted to have what I have in life. A healthy family, a home, a job I'm good at.

My husband sometimes has these stretches at work that just require him to work everyday-according to him. I think that sometimes it is ok to say, listen I'm working 6 days a week, this one day I need to spend with my family. He says it about deadlines, and getting things done. I understand that. I'm ok with that, for a week or two. When it rolls into three and four weeks, as it is right now, I feel squeezed...I take care of the boys and house, I go to work, lather rinse repeat. I cannot count on my husband coming in to help at any particular time, I have no idea when to have supper ready. I can't just hold on until the weekends, as this very weekend was the long awaited weekend off. Except he still wasnt home. Had a peice of a side job he had to do yesterday, which ate up the entire afternoon to evening. Had to help his dad today which ate up the entire day 8-4. I do not object to him helping his family, they have helped us in more ways than I can count. I just sometimes wish the priority was to be with us, and not just to earn for us.

I don't want to give him a hard time, anyone who works 7 days a week is bound to be tired-and he is, but I can only suck it up for so long, and then top this week off with sick babies, and for some reason my kids are clinging to me, as in want to be touching me at all times lately-if I sit on the couch, two kids on my lap, if I go to bed, two kids want in bed with me, if I shower two kids at the door, If I go to the bathroom, two kids in the 3 ft x 3 ft bathroom, if I cook two kids between me the stove and the island. I know they are just missing their dad, and clinging to me more, I want to be there for them, I'm glad I am there for them, but good god could I have a breath? Or maybe just back up? A time frame when he will go back to a normal schedule?

I start to just want an escape-not away from my family forever but like an afternoon... I really need some new clothes, and a haircut, and an eyebrow/lip wax.

..and then I think of everything people do for me already-my babysitters when I work are our parents, that I cannot ask for one more thing. The last time I was feeling like this, I found an escape in exercising, in putting my kids in the little kid room and having an hour a few times a week...but now Ben just will not be left, and I cannot torture him for no reason, also swine flu, not really willing to expose them to anything I don't have to.

I know this will pass, we have done this before, but inside I'm screaming, it feels like a long unending shriek, that only I can hear, I need something...