the day starts with a baby going off like an alarm clock next to me, i sit up groggy, lately with a headache as well, pick him up and feed him while i hope his brother did not hear him crying.
i look at the clock it usually says 4am with some minutes. my husbands alarm will go off within the hour. by then i can see my two year old stirring on the video baby moniter, soon he will be up for the day. by the time i have the baby settled back down will is up, calling for me. daddy goes to get him and plops him in our bed, then dave goes to get him his cup of chocolate milk while i put him under the covers and put on his favorite morning tv, i look out the window over my baby in his cradle and i see how dark it still is outside, but in my house the day has begun....
it's 5:15 am.
every day i get up with good intentions, today i will clean the house, i will pay bills, the kids will have baths....more importantly i will spend time playing with will, i will not lose my patience with him, i will spend time cuddling and talking to ben, i will not put him down too much.
i want to get through this day without feeling defeated, without feeling burnt out and used up. i want to appreciate my children and this time we have together.
some days go well, some days the baby doesn't cry all afternoon, my son actually eats his lunch, takes his nap without a fight, some days i find the time to sit down on the floor and play with my funny smart little boy, we laugh, i watch how happy and well behaved he is when he is getting the attention he craves.
other days don't go well and by the end of the day i feel like a raw nerve, i hear myself getting short with my son, i get irritated with the baby when nothing seems to make him happy, i just want the day to end so i can breathe, so i can sleep, so i can shower. on these days i am so disappointed in myself, these kids don't deserve a cranky tired disconnected mama. why did will push so many boundries, why did the baby cry so much? did he not get enough sleep? is his reflux acting up? what could i have done differently to make this day better? am i enough? did i miss anything?
i went grocery shopping yesterday and bought some celestial seasonings chai (honey vanilla white tea-delicious by the way!) i only mention the brand because they decorate their boxes so nicely. last night when i was making a cup for myself i was looking at the box and found this written on the front:
"finish every day and be done with it. you have done what you could: some blunders and absurdities crept in-forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You will begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old mistakes and nonsense."-ralph waldo emerson
i think the universe is giving me a little reassurance, and those few words are like a balm for my soul, that i am enough, i will be enough....
or more simply as anne of green gables once said-tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it.