My big, messy self-indulgant rant

We are coming to the end of another crazy busy week, and I'm drained. But it is only thursday night and it's looking like no down time till sunday.

Sunday we had a family day, did a bunch of laundry-we were all wiped from the previous week but were able to spend the day at home, we got the tree up and lights on, and that is how it has been all week.

On Monday Will had preschool, and my mom was kind enough to bring him there and back since she was going to the Ymca anyway. It was an amazing morning of playing with Ben, getting my laundry folded, pushing the laundry through, puttering around the house. I love to putter. Work on projects at a slow pace and not be stopped 75 million times. Dave called at the end of the day to say he wasn't coming home till late, but didn't know how late. So no tree decorating, instead feed the boys and get them ready for bed myself.

On tuesday I could see Will was bouncing off the walls as soon as he got out of bed, so I invited some friends over who have kids the same age as mine. they played, I cooked lunch, stayed till one, the boys took naps, dave called at the end of the day again to say he was coming in late, but didn't know how late. No tree decorating, called my cousin who I knew was home alone with her little boy that night, invited her over and made supper for everyone. then they left and I put the kids to bed myself.

On wednesday Will had school, when I dropped him off I noticed that I was supposed to bring in a present for a little boy-the Y had set up a giving tree-I took a tag, but had no gift to turn in. It was due that day, so Ben in his footie pj's and I not showered went to Kohls. (I thought I was going home and would dress Ben and possibly shower myself then). I of course could not find the damn tag in my traveling dumpster of a car, and all I could remember was the boy was 7, his favorite color was red, and I was supposed to buy clothes of some kind. I stopped a random person to help me guess at sizes, bought an entire outfit and a few toys to throw in the box-I mean what 7 year old boy wants clothes? Ran back the Y to put it together and hand it in, picked up Will from preschool, head home, Ben napped in the car and refused to nap at the normal time. Will napped as soon as he got home, when he got up, Ben went down, by the time Ben got up it was time to leave for my in laws for supper.

Today I woke up to a house completely trashed from Tuesday and a large pile of dishes in the sink, the kids were horribly whiney and making me crazy before I could even get one cup of coffee in or log onto my email-mama needs her coffee and internet time, seriously, before I can do kids all day. I did a half-assed quick clean ( I threw a pile of toys in a large bin) vaccuumed the floor and did load one of two loads of dishes. And picked up the bathroom. I ended up having 6 kids under 3 and 3 parents (Including myself). I was just too tired to cook so I spent 30.00 on pizza. (when playgroups get expensive there is a problem) It was nice to have the playgroups, I like having the playgroups-I think I may have playgrouped myself out this week. Thursday is bowling day so no dave until after bedtime again, so get the kids ready for bed myself. Just came downstairs to clean again, not cause I care about clean at this point, but my mom is coming tomorrow, so have to get house mom clean.

Tomorrow I work 7a-7p, mom comes here to hang with the boys until it is time to take will to school. Before work I have to do any last minute cleaning(but Dave will help) and lay out all the boys clothes for the day, pack the diaper bag, and pack Wills school bag for show and tell and swim.

Saturday Dave told me he has to work, and then pick up a dishwasher and deliver it for his parents and sister, then we have a birthday party at 2pm-(naptime) , so it looks like we are busy until saturday night.

I'm exhausted, so I"m heading up to bed now. Just getting frustrated because it seems to me I'm always busy but nothing gets done, and I never have time for me. I'm still way behind on laundry, both bathrooms need cleaning, I'm surrounded by piles of clean laundry again-to sort, to fold, to put away, to store. Christmas decorating is half done, Christmas shopping is half done, still have no christmas cards made to send, my coupons are way behind-need to be cut and filed. Bills still need to paid.

It seems to me that other people manage to stay on top of this stuff and get things done, I feel like I'm always spinning my wheels. Yes there are lots of times I could be more productive, like first thing in the morning when the boys are quiet and usually happy for a little while. I am not awake, and don't want to move then. I really get going around 3pm, when they are cranky, dinner needs cooking, noone is listening. Is this just me or is everyone this frustrated and not saying it?

I understand why Dave is working so much, it brings in extra money that we need, but is this just a phase of life I have to survive? Will I ever have anything in this household the way I want it to be? Will I ever get a little time to myself to go to yoga, or see a girlfriend? Or am I an underpaid short order cook/manservant, because that is what I feel like most of the time.

I just feel like there is some sort of malfunction in my wiring-that I can't focus on more than one thing at a time, if my house is in order, my bills aren't paid and my coupons are a mess. If the coupons are done the house is trashed. I'm like a walking organization nightmare. My mom and husband often say stuff like "Well if you just did it this way you could have it all done", or "I don't understand how everyone else can do it but you cant", or " what do you do all day, this house is trashed!"

Whatever, I'm going to bed, this too shall pass right? I have a roof over my head, a husband who loves me-even if he says THE WRONG THING-most of the time, and healthy happy boys. Sometimes I just feel stifled, bottled up and lost in the catagory of "mom". Sometimes it would be nice to be "Alison" not person-who-does-stuff-for-me.

And based on re-reading what I just wrote? I need to start exercising again, cause I felt so much better when I was.







This week I hosted three playgroups at my house, it would have been four but my girlfriend cancelled at the last minute, which is fine cause I was just as tired as she was.

Echo's

My head is full,

One of my patients is a little woman, who I can tell has been very independent her whole life, her daughter is by her bedside. This family has come off as really demanding, but after spending some time with them I can see what they are concerned about. I'm watching this daughter worry about the level of pain her mother is in, what is causing the pain, the meds needed to treat the patient. After the mom is painfully transferred to a stretcher and wheeled to a biopsy that is sure to be painful, I'm in the room with her daughter who is wiping tears away. I reassure her that there are other meds they may be able to give down there that I don't have access too, that I would be upset too if I knew my mom was hurting, that I would call her when her mom gets back, and I'll keep a close eye on her. It isn't enough, but it's all I can say.

Today, the day after Thanksgiving, my husbands family is talking about hospice for his 90 year old grandmother. I feel like a conductor of a train I don't want to get on. Because of my health background I have seen families go through this process, and truthfully my in-laws have already been through this before I even joined the family with his grandfather. I just feel like it's my job in some way to guide them, or more specifically my husband through, and I'm not all that sure I'm even qualified. Waiting for the word, wondering if this is really going to happen within the next four weeks before Christmas. Knowing that I cherish this woman, for how wonderful she was to my husband as a child, to my sons, how when she knew who I was she was always wonderful to me. I don't want to watch my husband and his family suffer, I don't want her to be gone, I especially don't want to have a conversation with my three year old about death.

And finally thinking of my own mother, and maybe how I may end up in these situations with her one day, knowing who she is, what she has accomplished in her life. I think I'll call her and tell her that I love her.

A big moment!

So here is the big news at our hourse this week!





(Will kept running naked through my video of Ben walking-that is why daddy isn't happy with him)
But Ben was so proud of himself!

Obviously we have much to be thankful for around here, and I would like to wish you all a wonderful holiday and company of families and full bellies!

Happy Thanksgiving!

a great man

I was reading motherbumpers blog post-(I met her at BlogHer Boston and I think she rocks!)

and she was doing a meme I just had to do. This one: http://motherbumper.blogspot.com/2008/11/route-66.html



So then I got curious just what is my sixth picture in my sixth file?

This one:

That man is my step dad, he came into our lives after a really bad point in my families history, and married a woman with three kids in junior high and younger. We were truly broken and just surviving at that point, he came into our family and made us whole again. He is holding Ben who is about 2 months old in this picture, it was thanksgiving, about 6pm, it was dark out.

I cannot put in words how much this man means to me. He was willing to take on a broken family, he was willing to go through three kids in their teenage years. He was willing to teach me to drive which was no small feat my friends, (I may have ran down a fence post, stalled the car a half million times, almost got us killed going too slow on the highway, and possibly ran a stop sign) He takes care of my mother, who most of the time is a very independent person and wants no help from anyone, but has a chronic condition that has caused her to need taking care of every so often, and she falls and sprains things a lot. He rarely loses his temper, he always does the right thing even if it is the hard thing. I learned a lot from this man, and I hope my kids, his grandkids do too.

I missed nablopomo!

I really enjoy national blog posting month. I love the challange of coming up with something everyday, even if I have admittedly put up some pretty lame stuff at the end of the day!

This year November 1st when by before I noticed, and on November 2nd I turned to my husband and complained that I had missed the first day. He said good less pressure and I have to say this year a part of me agreed, it was a relief, but mixed with some sadness. I'm the kind of girl that needs to be held to a standard-if you saw my house right now you would agree, I need pressure to get anything done!

I toyed with the idea of writing a book, but I'm just not that good a writer, and to be honest I just don't know how to put a book together. When I have something in my head to write that I'm feeling passionate about than I can pull it off, but when I don't it just sort of wanders..

So I'm not sure were this is going...do I just start posting every day for the hell of it? Do I attempt a book, maybe just a string of essays-I think I could handle that. What do you think?

Can we fix it? Yes we can!

I'm back on the parenting page of shine!
go here to check it out:
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/can-we-fix-it-yes-we-can-303571/

when you try to get a man to do a womans job..

Every night around here we have a routine, we have supper, we clean it up, we get the kids ready for bed. At bedtime, we fill a bottle with warm milk, a sippy cup with chocolate milk, and all the male people of the house go upstairs to mommy's bed. (Funny that I'm never in it)

Tonight Dave has been pretty much useless, he was trying to program a ton of numbers into his new phone, but that left me to do everything else. Luckily I didn't have to cook tonight, dinner at the in-laws! We gave them baths there, put pj's on came home and it was time, these boys needed to go to bed, but daddy wasn't really moving. I did what I always do, the thing that needs to be done. So I grabbed the kids and headed upstairs, yelling back to him, make sure you fill another bottle for Ben for later, make sure the dog has food and water, bring up Ben's medicine, and let the dog out.

I brought the kids up and got them settled, time is going by but I'm not hearing any moving around down there, I go to the top of the stairs and yell down. "Don't fall asleep on the couch!"
I hear sheepish laughter. I said "I don't hear any moving around down there!" He said "oh there is moving. " I said "Your chest going up and down and your eyes closed doesn't count!" More sheepish laughing, "I guess there isn't much moving then" I told him to either get up and come upstairs so I could do it, or get up and do it, he said he was coming up, he was tired.

That really doesn't upset me, you see, every night he takes the kids up and I have a few minutes of quiet that I desperately need while I get the bedtime stuff done. He needs it too, this is his few minutes of cuddle time with the boys, the time he can count on everyday, since he is up and gone so early. It works. I guess we all fall into a routine that works, as long as you can keep your husband from falling asleep before the kids!

I'm on the parenting page of shine!

go to this link, my article is the one about embarrasing parental moments, the box on the right!

So exciting!

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/

fall in new england

'nuff said

baby kisses!

Ben's idea of giving a kiss:
press sweet droolly baby lips against mama's, (hard) mouth slightly open, making an "mmmmm" noise. Stay that way until mom is laughing so hard she has to pull away and wipe off slobber, repeat.

and just when I thought nothing would embarrass me...

I mean seriously, that applebees trip wasn't so much embarrassing as hugely annoying, and frustrating. I'm not the embarrass easily type, never really have been, I feel it's kind of a useless emotion, doesn't change what just happened, doesn't fix the problem. I'm practical like that.

There is always going to be an exception to any rule though, right?

I decided after I picked Will up from preschool yesterday to take advantage of the warm sunny weather and go to the playground before heading home for naptime. In October in New England if you get a nice day you are silly not to take advantage of it. I'm a veteran mom now, I know full well what being in the house all winter long means, caged animals for children and me wanting to run screaming for the hills.

So we go to the playground closest to his school, I should probably fill in here that the preschool I send him too is not in our neighborhood. Its in a nicer neighborhood, in a nicer ymca. So while the playground is packed it isn't people from the same social bracket as my husband and I. It would not be outside of the norm for the adults tending to the children to be nannies and not moms and dads. Picture painted? Ok, we can move on..

I'm chatting up the parents who are also pushing their younger children on the swing while Will plays on the large piece of equipment behind me. All is going well for the first like 15 minutes we are there, until a mom eating a salad on a bench yells, "Is that someones child!?" Yeah you guessed it, I turn around and it is my child, he is standing on the bottom platform of the equipment, and peeing into the sand in the middle of the playground. In full view of ummm everyone. I of course run to my child, explain to him that he can not pee in playgrounds, that he should come to me and tell me if he has to pee, he looks up at me with big, brown innocent eyes and says "But mom, there aren't any bathrooms here" I told him I would have found him one (or found him a nice big private tree..) and tell him not to do it again. He says "Ok mom," and then he reassured me " I don't feel pee-pee's anymore!" Yeah well no kidding kiddo, you already took care of that problem.

I did not however leave or hang my head, I went back to pushing Ben and watched some of the other parents migrate away from me, I mean obviously I have taught my child nothing, and their kid could you know catch it.

Except the only dad there, who was doing his darnedest not to laugh out loud, and said, "Well I guess he isn't shy!" As we were leaving one mom said "how old is he? I said 3 and a half. "She said "This guy is three, is that what I have to look forward too?" Then she told me she thought it was cute!

At least some people understand children.

all the good stuff you've been missing!

It's been awhile since I really wrote much of anything, and let me just say this summer, or more specifically the end of this summer into fall just kicked my ass. Everything just seemed to go into overdrive and need my attention:

-Ben went through a really demanding hold me, hold me phase, and turned one and needed the required huge party.

-Will went through a really fresh getting into shit phase and I almost had to kill him, or sell him to gypsies.

-I started picking up overtime at work which while great for the paycheck and bills makes me a blabbering, drooling, sleep deprived zombie for like the next two days, 3 hours of sleep will do that to a girl.

-My sisters marriage was ending.

-My mom almost had cancer for a week. (she doesn't, false alarm).

-My husband started working 9 hours a day, 6 day weeks. So has been no help (and unable to stay awake past dinner)

-Will started preschool (which has greatly improved his behavior around here)

It's all sort of smoothing out though, we have a nice little routine going on. In fact within the next 20 minutes I have to start getting us all dressed and out the door.

I'm sure a good blogger would have used the blog as an outlet and come up with something funny, I was just trying to get through the day in one of those mind numbing fogs.

Just for fun though, Ben has developed a nice high pitch shriek whenever he is not happy. He has a big brother and always wants to be carried. He is unhappy a lot! So after I drop Will off at preschool, I think I'll go invest in earplugs. (kidding-we have them in the basement-hubby is in construction) So pictures of my little shreiker-good thing he is cute!

Ice cream cake on your birthday rocks!

bathtime!

Why yes I am sitting in the dog bowl! Why do you ask?

The shelf we bought specifically to hold toys-now a toy itself!

No pictures please! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!

Time for a give away!

Thanks to blogher Boston, I have some goodies to give away-apparently when you show up at the end of the day people who give away swag will be happy to give you whatever is left on their table-note to self-go late!



There are a few things I want to give away, but we are starting with something every new mom needs. Who would like to win a playtex bottle?



Playtex was very involved in blogher boston, going so far as to have conversations with blogging moms and record them to post on blogher's website, as well as their own. You can check those out here:


http://www.youtube.com/playtexbaby


Here is what everyone wants to know about these bottles:



They are BPA-free, and they are from the VentAire Advanced system. These bottles let air in through a micro-channel vent at the bottom of the bottle, reducing air mixing with the milk or formula baby is drinking. This is proven to reduce gas and colic. With a refluxy baby of my own I know how important that is.

Another nice feature is the angled bottle design. This allows for semi-upright feeding recommended by pedetricians to help reduce ear infections.

There is a removable top and bottom to easy cleaning.



I have two bottles to give away.



A wide bottle/nipple for babies switching between breast and bottle-even breastfed babies need a bottle sometimes, or more specifically moms need a break or need to work!



A standard bottle/nipple.



If you would like a chance to win either of these bottles just leave me a comment specifying which one you would like, I will do a random drawing and pick one winner for each.
If you have used these bottles feel free to leave a note in the comments about how well they work, or your experience with them!


This contest will be open until Sunday October 19th, one week from today.

blogHer boston

I was only able to make the cocktail party at the very end, since I had to work, but I am so glad I went!

I met some great woman, whose blogs I can't wait to read, and picked up free stuff that I will be giving away here!

Much more to say but at work, so I can't really give it the time it deserves, more to come!

operation spill it!

Ok everyone, I have been reading Catherine of HerBadMother's blog for a long long time now.(http://badladies.blogspot.com/) She is one of the first blogs I ever read, and still read, every post.

I don't tend to comment often, but even though this is a woman I have never met, I care about her-no not in a creepy stalker way-in a we are all mothers and woman kind of way, and I just relate to her. She is kind and intelligent, she is well spoken, and she does her best every day to be a good mother, just like we all do.

Catherine has some stuff going on, stuff that makes a person worry, and be uncomfortable and doubt themselves sometimes. Stuff that happens to woman and mothers every day of every year.

So here is what I know. There have been times in my 3 years of motherhood to two boys that I am not proud of, things that have scared me, my own thoughts or actions. Resentments about being a mother, about being always on, even while having a supportive loving husband who completely misses the point about 75% of the time.

In other words things that I don't really go around telling people because I know I am a good mother and one or two bad moments or bad judgements, or loss of perspective do not define me. What I choose to do after those moments does, the fact that I love my sons always, and care for them always, and do the right thing for them always, even when I don't want to, even when I want to be anywhere else than here.

So I think us mothers who have been there, for even a moment, who understand what it feels like to have a thought or say out loud to an infant things that should not be said. (I have personally used the f word) should share.

Be brave, tell it like it is, support another mother. If you like you can do it anonymously here (if so my email is willsmomali @ gmail .com), but I'm not looking for blog traffic, or post it on your own blog and send Catherine an email letting her know it's there.

Motherhood is the most amazing, stressful, depressing, anxiety producing job on this planet, we are all just hanging in there doing the best we can. If we can't support each other than noone can, because noone but a mother can understand it.

its kidman....

Have I ever mentioned that Will talks a lot? I mean this kid always has something to say, loudly! It's especially fun when you are trying to read, think, blog, get his brother to sleep, get him to sleep, need to go to bed yourself.

So when my husband did this this morning right before he walked out the front door into the darkness that is morning around here, (we never get up after the sun is up) ( I know you're jealous) it was funny.

Will and Dave were having a particularly rough goodby, as in rough housing.
Will had climbed onto Daves back and Dave bent down and grabbed Ben, held him in front of him and said "I am Kidman! Waving Ben a little he said "this one will spit up on you or pee on you", and indicating Will on his back, "this one will talk you to death!"

i laughed really hard, because you know he could talk you to death!

16 hours

This morning I found him in his room a bundle of messy blankets. He didn't look good, he was shaking, telling me he had a headache, that he really didn't feel good. I talked to him very briefly and then went to get him some meds, when I came back his doctor was in the room. She told him that he was just going to drink again, that she didn't need to make a referral for him or get him any contact numbers, that she figured he knew what to do if he really wanted help. Then she left the room, her attitude towards him and others like him obvious.

As the day went on I medicated him frequently as the protocol allowed to ease his withdrawal symptoms, he got a little demanding. He was calling often for little things. the doctor was back on the floor and asked how he was, I explained that he was driving me crazy calling so often. She said we just needed to get some labs at 2pm and after that he could go. I was stunned. We don't discharge people in the middle of detoxing them. Withdrawal can be dangerous, people have seizures. She said the he expressed no desire to go through recovery to her, but said it the doctor higher than her. She looked puzzled and said, you were there-he wasn't interested. All I could think was you never asked him! You told him he would fail and then walked out. I didn't say it out loud because I could see she really didn't get it, and me telling her she didn't get it wasn't going to help. She had dismissed this patient before she even met him.

By the afternoon he felt much better, the meds were in him the shakes were gone, he was thinking more clearly.

I was surprised to hear at about 9pm that he wanted to leave against medical advise, a little later I went in to talk to him to see if I could get him to stay. He wasn't a bad guy, he was a guy with a drinking problem.

While we talked I found out that he had been an alcholic his whole life, but that he had long periods of sobriety, 5 years here, 7 years there..all together more than 20. That his girlfriend had some problems and was getting discharged from a psych hospital. That she meant everything to him. When she was admitted he was stressed and thought well I'll just drink this week, it turned into a month and here he was. He wanted to not drink, because he wanted to be there for her, he didn't want to mess up her recovery. So he stopped drinking and dumped all the alcohol in the house, and he started withdrawing.

In the end he decided to leave, I explained he shouldn't be alone. He explained to me that he knew day 2 of withdrawal was the worst, and this had been day 2, he thought he would be ok.
he would have his mom call and check on him.

he left the hospital at about 10:30pm.
At about 1am he calls the floor, says he is shaking like a leaf, he needs help, can we help him. He sounds desperate and scared and a little child like. I know he doesn't have a ride and can't drive so I tell him to call an ambulance. He wants me to call for him, I can't do that. He wants to come back to our floor. We have no beds available, so I explain that any medical floor can take care of him, what is important is that he get here and get the meds in his system. He said ok.

I have no idea if he called and came back in.

I hope he did.

this is 'scustin'

ok, this is a good one...

both boys are playing on the deck. On the deck there is also a cooler from the last party we had, the cooler has three cupholders molded into the plastic. I step outside to find my baby splashing his hand into a yellow liquid in one of the cupholders, Will is watching him. Just as I start to wonder, what is that yellow liquid, Will pipes up,

"Ben is playing in my pee"

ewwww,ew, ew, ew, "Will that is disgusting! We don't pee outside!"
As I pick up the baby and rush him to the nearest sink for a good scrubbing....
boys!

a week so good i'm mentally fried.

It has been a very stressful, tiring and in retrospect good week.
This week, my 3 year old started preschool, my baby turned one and we had the usual huge party to throw, and my mom had surgery to rule out cancer.

In the end, my 3 year old loves preschool and the teachers think he is some kind of angel child, like I can see the love on their faces when they look at him. heh, yeah right! They don't know him like I do, and I'm just waiting for him to get comfortable enough to be fresh. Also thinking maybe he won't be fresh cause kids are always better for other people, and I must add a little relived that he may have actually heard half of what I say to him, and maybe absorbed some of it! He's not a demon with big brown eyes, blond curls, and dimples! Who knew?!

Ben's party was great, he got a few nice presents and people took the hint that he really didn't need anything at all. (my house looks like a toy store and I have more clothes from Will than Ben can even wear this winter) His actually birthday was the friday the 12th, and he appropriately enjoyed his ice cream cake.

And my mom doesn't have cancer! yeah, can't put in words how great that is....but if i ever meet the recovery nurse in a dark room I probably will have a few words for her...

so in the end it has been a very good week, but i'm working sat, sun and monday, and let me just say as i stand in a hallway and type this, that my heart is not in it, i'm just toast and want to be curled up on my couch reading or something. Luckily I have an easy quiet group.

I stumbled upon this in the blogs and it's just so funny i had to share even though it's a few weeks old.
http://thebloggess.com/?p=635

I found my camera!

I found my camera! Just in time to, cause tomorrow is Ben's 1st birthday party, and monday is Will's first day at school! I'm thinking I'm going to want pictures.

Generally when we have a party my husband and I stay up insanely late the night before getting things in order, fight a lot, and run around like idiots. Tonight though? yeah we are both lounging on the couch, I mean sunk back into the pillows feet on the coffee table lounging. We still have things to do, but the house really isn't that bad, and neither of us has had much sleep, so we begged my in-laws, and they will take the kids tomorrow early and keep 'em so we can just get stuff done without stopping 30 million times. As I type this my husband is falling asleep next to me. Like fell asleep with his arm up and is lowering it really slowly while he falls asleep.

Since I found my camera, I'd thought I'd share some ben stuff with you!

He crawls:




And today, he stands:



sorry it's sideways, I keep forgetting that when I'm taking a video, I need to pan out, not flip the camera like a picture.

ok that's it, time for mindless entertainment!

I'll post birthday pics soon, and school pics soon!

bitchfest guest post

So I get to b*tch on a different blog? How awesome is that- a whole new audience to
complain to!!

My husband.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is a great guy. He was my childhood crush as far back as I can remember. I was in love with him, he knew, and was NOT
interested.

Then when I turned 20, he took notice. We've been together since.

My husband expects me to be Supermom /Superwife.

He wants me to be what his mom was.

His mom went to college when he and his brother were in grade school, worked a full time job, managed to cook/bake, and keep the house spotless every
day!

The problem with this: his mother died when he was 10. The pedestal that a person stands on when they die young is too high for any human to climb.

He expects me to be that way- and anything less is not great.

If you don't read my blog, I am a new mom to twin girls who are 9 months old.

My girls were born prematurely at 30 weeks weighing in at 3.4 and 3.10
respectively.

I was hospital bedridden for 6 weeks before their delivery. On top of that, I battled
infertility. When the natural route wasn't working for us, we decided to go through IVF. We obviously means Me since I was the one who had to have daily injections, daily blood work, an egg retrieval, a transfer etc. All he had to do was go into a little room with a cup.

Now take into consideration that I work FULL TIME.

This means, I awake at 6am, play with the girls, leave for work at 7am and only return
at 6:40pm every night! I then bathe the girls, feed them and put them to bed (of course with my husband's help)

I am a machine.

I don't really have time to process all that I have been through this year. I try to be the best mom that I can be. So yes, I don't cook during the week, and my house isn't spotless. I do sometimes wait for the girls to go to bed because I don't have patience since I feel spent from the day.

But: I do bring home the bacon, I do provide the family with medical insurance and a
401k for us. I provide our life insurance. I do a lot. I take care of my husband, daughters and my boss.

I do it all for everyone, and yet he still finds reasons to complain. He says he envisioned a different type of mother for his children. I know he says this at times and doesn't realize what it does to me. He does acknowledge all of the good I do, but it's what I don't do that also
gets pointed out?

I sat him down last week and asked him: "With all that your mother did, do you think
she was happy?" He didn't know what to say. He said that she probably wasn't. And there came his revelation.

I hope he can accept that I am not perfect. Most of all, I hope I can accept
it.

bitchfest

just so everyone knows what all the bitching is about...and to explain the new button immediately to the right, Her bad mother is hosting a bitchfest over the long weekend. So I've decided to participate and loan out my blog for a fellow bitcher.

What this is about really is you know how sometimes you just have stuff you would like to say, to unload, to get off your chest, but you don't dare post it on your own blog because people from your real life read it, or the content just doesn't fit your blog or your audience? For this purpose then a bitchfest. It's not an exchange, so I will not be posting on the blog of the person who posts here, I'm assigned to someone else. If you want to see what I have to bitch about email me and I"ll be happy to tell you where-except if you are a direct relation to me, then you are on your own!

check it out here: http://herbadmother.blogspot.com/2008/08/betchfest-ho.html

my immediate thoughts in bullet form

just a few bullet points cause I don't want to sit down and write a real post right now.

• I lost my camera, I don't think it's lost/gone or lost/stolen, I think I put it somewhere in my house and cannot remember where. It's driving me crazy though and I want it back! I use that thing almost every day. It's on the to do list for today-MUST FIND CAMERA! Ben is moving people, and clapping and waving and giving kisses and climbing stairs, and I'm missing it all!
• I've discovered a new time consuming hobby-the drugstore game. I'm now obsessed with scanning sale ads and finding coupons to match up, I have totally changed the way I shop in the last 3-4 weeks and now only want things as cheaply as I can get them. Trust me there is a post in this, and maybe some sidebar features, just haven't sat down to figure it all out.
• Will starts preschool on the 8th, excuse me (sniff, sniff, wiping tear away) how is this possible? he will go three days a week, and have a ton of great stuff to do like swim lessons and music and yoga besides classroom type stuff, there will be field trips, FIELD TRIPS FOR THREE YEAR OLDS!
• Did I mention three and half sucks? We whine, we cry, we don't listen, we push boundries, we climb and touch EVERYTHING without asking, we talk back..good times.
• House covered in clothing I am trying to sort and put away or bag up to store. Mess.

That is what we are up too in a nutshell, I have stuff to write but no time now!

half naked crazy men

I'm still chuckling as I type this, I'm at work, I'm charge nurse again, I'm orienting a new nurse again.
Part of the charge role is handling any problems that come up on the floor, be that patient or staffing, or problems with families, arguments between staff, whatever.

Tonight we had a staffing issue, I spent about an hour and half on the phone calling nurses at home to ask if they feel like working. While I'm doing that a confused but fairly able bodied patient who has a person in the room with him at all times to watch him and is wearing a posey vest (a vest that has ties that keep him in the bed so he doesn't fall) manages to get out of the vest, and jump out of his bed and run down the hall. The problem being he pulls out a chest tube ( a tube that goes into the lung and drains air or fluid that shouldn't be there) and breaks his iv line tubing while doing it.

We walk him back to his room where he announces he needs to use the bathroom, NOW. we sit him down and I notice his IV line is dripping blood, I pinch it off and tell another nurse that we can probably save his IV if we get the peice that connects to it.

Now picture this, I'm standing in a tiny bathroom with a half naked wild man, bent over and pinching off his iv line with my fingers so it doesn't drip> Security shows up too late as usual so there are about three security guards in and around the room, two other nurses and and about two cna's cleaning up the room and bed so we can put this man back into it.

At this time a supervisor from the nursing office comes into the room, pokes her head around the bathroom door and yells over a nurse at me, "so what's going on with your staffing?"

I was so surprised I blinked at her, than gathered myself and said-"Well we are in the middle of an emergency right now and I can't talk to you but I'll be there in a minute."

Does anyone else but me find it odd that a supervisor would want to talk about staffing while I'm in a tiny bathroom with a crazy half naked man?

Yup still giggling as I'm writing this...nursing is a crazy job!

ooh yeah...then as I'm walking down the hall a little later the iv nurse comes out of that same room yelling "ok, do you need anything else?" and I answer the first thing that I can think of "A lobotomy and some tights!" Thouroughly confusing her. Points if you know where I got that quote from. Maybe a prize too if I can think of something good.

I'm not supposed to actually kill him right?

Ok so the other day I decided to get together with a friend of mine who has a little boy the same age as Will. We see them often and the boys get along really well. This day I knew Will had gone to bed late the night before, but he was doing fine, and takes much later naps lately.



We went to a park and hit a childrens place,(kids clothing store) then decided to have lunch at applebees. As the meal went on Will was getting more and more hyper, was having a hard time listening. This is all typical for him when he is tired, my friend was asking us to come back to her house, but Ben hadn't napped all morning and I could tell from Wills behavior that we needed to finish up and head home for nap time.



That was where I went wrong.



I thought he was going to get more cranky, more whiney, I thought that I had time to get him home, I thought he might even fall asleep on the way home.



nope



My kid turned into one of those screaming, thrashing, snot running down his face, hiding under the table kids.



You know when you drag the double stroller out of the restaurant and the baby and the purse and the diaper bag, open the stroller and strap the baby in, and then stop some random young pretty waitress and say "Would you please stay here with my baby so I can get my screaming toddler out of your restaurant" and watch her eyes get wide.....



then you go back in the restaurant to find your friend completely wide-eyed, and she runs as soon as you get back, your child-who-has-never-misbehaved-in-public-before-ever has now taken off his shoes and thrown them and is still under the table screaming, you make a swipe for him and he dives to the other side. You get down on all fours crawl under the table, grab you kid by his bare foot pull him out by that foot, round up his shoes and carry him still screaming and trying to hit you out of the restaurant where the screaming and fighting continue all the way to the carseat, and he refuses to listen behave or do as told (including taking the nap he desperately needs) for oh....... the next four hours.



At one point he sauntered his little butt down the stairs, strolled into the living room, leaned on one hand against the coffee table, and said in his most snotty i'm really a grown up voice "You know mom, I told you in the car I wasn't taking a nap today."



In the end I could not get him to listen, and took away his chocolate milk for "the rest of the day-not even bedtime!" In desperation. His eyes were huge, he had no idea I could do that!



You know when the day was so bad, that you feel like your head split into two and all your brains oozed out cause you sort of have an odd empty headed feeling, and can't put a sentence together anymore?



You know when it's so bad that even when you wake up in the morning, you aren't angry any more, but couldn't really say you actually like that child....



but you get him his chocolate milk, and make sure you sit and cuddle him, and within an hour or so it's all alright, it's all back on track, and he does his three year old best to be sweet and listen....and you still love him, and even like him again?



yeah so we had that day this week....

It's a damn good thing he's cute!

back

Ok i'm back, apparently I needed a break from blogging. The last two week have just been heavy, dragging me down. Nothing life altering, just heavy things piling on me as the last two weeks went by. Things you want to blog about but can't, things you could blog about but don't know where to start, things you just don't want to put out there for the whole universe to read.

I'm dealing with those things, some of it just needs to sit in my head and on my heart till I find a way to live with it, those things are nothing that effects my personal life but more my idea of humanity. Other things require some action on my part and I'm coming up with a plan, or several plans for different issues. Those things are mine to come to terms with, but don't worry, I feel this is all normal, and sometimes as woman we come to a point where we have to stop and figure out what needs to change and how before we can move on and things can go back to normal, but a new good normal, you know? My marriage is not at risk, my family is healthy.

stay tuned for the story about how my son embarrased the shit out of me in public yesterday.

citizen of the month interview, meet T!

I signed up to do the citizen of the month interview, I was interviewed by sheilamia, you can see that here http://sheilamia.wordpress.com/2008/08/06/a-very-worthwhile-experiment/

I was paired up to interview T of Send Chocolate. You can visit her blog here http://casadecruz.blogspot.com/. Withing minutes of poking around her blog, I new I loved this woman and added her to my feed reader. This is a smart, funny woman who does what she needs to do for her family. My kind of woman. So here is the interview!



Hi T, I have been assigned the intimidating task of interviewing you. I first want to say that I have spent some time reading on your blog, and I immediately added you to my feed reader. I cannot begin to tell you how taken I am with your honesty in blogging, especially about what must be a sensitive topic-your children. Secondly happy birthday! Apparently we share it, I'm a July 10th girl too!

Hi Alison! I am sincerely flattered! Thanks for doing this! Happy belated bday! Also, feel free to edit my words!!
so here are the questions:


1) How was camp rock?

Camp Rock was a lot of fun. It was actually Spirit West Coast, in Monterey. It's a three day Christian music festival. Think Woodstock or Lilith Faire without the booze and nakedness. Our church took 55 high school students and we had a blast. I was telling a friend where I was going and she facetiously said, 'So you are going to Camp Rock, huh?" I said, "No! I am going to summer camp, at SWC... music and teenagers and ...summer camp? Wait, guess I am going to Camp Rock!"

2) Would you describe yourself as a "hang it all out there" blogger or do you keep certain things private?

Wow that's a really good question! I think that I do hang a lot out there. I say my life is an open book. I figure if my experience helps anyone, then it wasn't in vain. So I share a lot. I don't share a ton about my husband, because the blog is about my life and yes, he is a part of that life, but I respect his boundaries, the old poop. He is a lot more private than I am. And with my 14 yr old daughter, I always run things by her before I post about her, because she is, well, 14. It is a fine line, I guess.

3) I have a good idea of what your blog is about, but I would like to give you the chance to answer that in your own words. What you would like to accomplish with your writing?

I write for two reasons: to help those who deal with autism in their families know they are not alone and two: to maintain my own sanity. I would call myself a lifeblogger. Yes, I am a momma and a homeschooler and I have kids with autism. But I write about whatever I feel like writing about. I don't live in a box. I never have.

4) Do you have any hobbies, you know besides being crazy busy with a blog, a house, three kids, and homeschooling them too?

This is the part where I lie and tell you that I hike and do yoga (I actually used to, and still have a membership to the health club) and climb mountains and all of the things I wish I did, right? I used to read, but don't do a lot of that anymore. I guess my hobby is buying books at the bookstore that I don't end up reading! I am really active in my church youth group, because I am cool like that, and really, wouldn't you want meas a role model for your kids? I do all sorts of writing, so I guess that would be my hobby. And I read stories to my little one, can that count? I love the Pigeon...I don't get why he can't drive the bus.

5) Any dreams?

My dream is to be a published author. A prolific one. I want to freelance and do magazines. I want to further autism activism. I recently started writing for my county newspaper autism blog, so it's a start. I have a book or two in me, and yes, so does everyone who blogs...but I have wanted to do this for a long time, so it will happen!

6) I think I picked up that you are a lactation consultant, this is something I would like to explore as a future career path for myself, how long have you been doing this and what made you start?

I am a volunteer lactation consultant of sorts. I have been doing it for 6 years now. I nursed all three of my children, but once I had my last one, she was a preemie and I had to struggle to nurse her. I fought ignorance from the NICU nurses, and misinformation as well as a baby whose mouth was too small. She wanted to use the bottle, developed a horrid nipple preference, and there was no one to help me. I am stubborn, so I didn't give up. Once she was older, I started attending La Leche League meetings.

7) I read that you chose to homeschool and why, do you think in general there is a lack of good services in schools for autism?

You know, I never in a million years expected to homeschool. I was really involved in our neighborhood public school, doing the room mom thing and the PTA thing. At the same time, I was dealing with getting my son diagnosed with autism, attending IEP meetings and trying to get a program in place for him. The year he was diagnosed, he was in a mainstream classroom. And it just was not working. We all knew it wasn't working. But I think the attitude was, wait and see what happens next year. That really seems to be the mentality, at least through our district. And I was a very hands-on in, involved parent.
The placement they offered for the following year was not the right one for my son. They didn't have a mild to moderate classroom, so he was to be placed in the moderate to severe classroom for summer school. Since the teacher would send his class work home to finish, I was already homeschooling him.... we spent hours on homework each night. And, I have to say, he hated school so much, I literally had to drag him there, kicking and screaming each morning. Something had to give.
A week or so later, I was at a conference, and I attended a session called Homeschool 101, everything you need to know to start. I came home and told my husband I wanted to homeschool. It was truly a case of God going before me, because I had brought it up before and been met with the cold shoulder. This time the answer was, "When do we start?" I have been homeschooling for five years now, and two years ago, brought my oldest daughter home. She has been very happy and can now pursue her academic interests. I also homeschool my 7 yr old, as well.

8) How long do you homeschool each day and what kind of prep goes into that? (I know that's a huge question, just curious what it takes to homeschool. )

We homeschool about 4 hours a day, from about 9-1. After that, the kids do things that are academic, but free time and fun. Prep takes place before the school year starts, I read and review books and curricula, then order what I think I will need. During the schoolyear I would say it probably takes about two hours a week, usually on Sunday night, as I do the lesson plans for the week. Beyond that, it isn't as hard as some might think. We visit the library every three weeks and the kids get books. I could go into the different approaches, but instead, we will just say I am Eclectic and do a little bit of everything. Anyone can homeschool. In fact, if you help your child with homework, and go on family trips, you already are homeschooling!

9) Is there anything you would like to world to know about Autism?

It is cliche, but true: if you 've seen one kid with autism, you've seen ONE kid with autism. All of the kids are different, and it is amazing how different they are. Most kids with Asperger's or high-functioning autism really are social. They want to know you, they want to hang with you..they just aren't sure how to make that happen. The idea that kids with AS or HFA are not social is just patently false.

10) What kind of chocolate should we send?

Oh honey! Want to be my friend for life? I love dark chocolate, especially truffles!

Thank you T for the great interview, you'll be seeing me in comments at Send Chocolate!

summer photo contest

Long, long ago, back when Will was one and there wasn't a Ben yet we took a trip to this amazing place to spend time near the water and climb the rocks (about 30 mins away)

I love this picture taken on fathers day, of my husband being proud of his baby boy!

Posted as part of 5 mins for mom summer fun photo contest, which you can read about here:

http://www.5minutesformom.com/3898/win-500-in-our-summer-fun-photo-contest/

the prize is 500.00!

citizen of the month interview

I was wandering around the internet last week and stumbled into a new blog, Neil of citizen of the month is having everyday bloggers like myself interview each other. This way bloggers get a chance to meet each other. The list is ongoing, once you put your name on it you are interviewed by the person above you, and you interview the person below you, I have to say this is so much fun I would love to do it again. If you would like to get your name on the list to be part of this here is the link: http://www.citizenofthemonth.com/2008/01/18/the-great-interview-experiment/

I was interviewed by sheilamia, the interview is up if you would like to read it!
http://sheilamia.wordpress.com/2008/08/06/a-very-worthwhile-experiment/

Stay tuned for the interview I did with a great new blogger, she has my questions, just waiting for her answers!

the reality of being nurse

sometimes it really sucks to be the nurse standing by and watching horrible things happen to good people

I twittered this about 6 hours ago after spending the day taking care of a young man who got one of those talks from a team of doctors that you don't ever want to get. A man who found out today that not only will he never walk again, but he has a much bigger, much more life threatening problem on his plate. A man who does not have the luxury of having his family around him in his greatest time of need due to circumstances beyond his control.

I did the best I could for him today I stood by his bed and prayed "oh please, oh please, oh please" while we waited for the ok to make calls to his family, while we waited for a ringing phone to be answered. So he could do what we all do when we are in need, connect with our families.
I stood beside this man and held his hand as he made phone calls to his immediate family and explained how bad his situation was, a phone call they could have no way of anticipating.

I pushed back my own tears over and over again today, because it wasn't about me, he didn't need to see his nurse crying. He needed support, so that is what I did.
He won't get better, he may get more time, but he has small children, and a wife...that he hasn't seen in a year. Tomorrow is his birthday.

I came home and look at my own family with new eyes. It makes the things that frustrate me insignificant, my bad days he would give anything for. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I need that reminder.

I'm thanking God right now for my two little boys tucked in there beds, for my healthy husband who comes home every night and most of all for getting to be here and just be with them.

It also makes me wonder if I should really be a nurse, should stuff really hit me this hard? Does everyone else walk away carrying this in the hearts and on their shoulders? I don't know how to put this kind of effort it and not have it take a peice of me, and I don't know if it is just me or all nurses....
but I'm working again at 7am tomorrow

more sick kids

You wake up because you hear the baby crying. Hubby walks in and says "Do you want me to bring him in here?" You tell him yes because you feel like you have been hit by a truck. He brings the baby in and you ask "where is will?" You ask because Will never sleeps this late, and sure enough he is up, playing in his room. You take it as a good sign that he is up playing must be feeling better. The baby is happy, crawling all over the bed, he must be feeling better too.

As much as you would like to stay in bed a while longer you have to get up because hubby is leaving for work, and the baby can't be trusted to not throw himself off the side of the bed. So you gather the troops and head downstairs to the promise of freshly brewed coffee waiting for you in the pot.

You come downstairs, change the baby's diaper, get him a bottle, put on PBS for the older boy, get him a sippy cup of milk, pour your coffee, sit down to the laptop, and the whining begins.
Ben is tired, Will's mouth hurts and you can just tell he is sick of being sick. doesn't want to watch tv, but doesn't feel well enough to be up and playing.

You take a minute to go get dressed because must have bra on, can't stand floppy boobies. Decide there is no point putting real clothes on and pick things that don't match but are comfortable knowing full well by the end of this day you will be covered in copious amounts of baby drool, medicine that doesn't make it into the kids, formula, and food the oldest boy spits out cause it hurts his mouth.

Every five minutes the older one shrieks cause his mouth or throat hurt, the baby crawls around looking exhausted and crying.

It's 8am, gonna be a long day.

sick kids and butterflys

Alright bear with me, I'm going to try to write a post that doesn't suck, but I am in the house of sick children, drinking multiple cups of coffee.

I twittered yesterday that my kids had hand foot and mouth, FYI hand foot and mouth is a virus, (you get blisters on your hands feet and in your mouthand a fever) just give tylenol to make them more comfortable and ride it out. Here is a link www.mayoclinic.com/health/hand-foot-and-mouth-disease/DS00599


I heard yesterday that my nephew had been diagnosed with strep they all spent the day together on friday, so I took them to the pede just be sure, and I was half right, they have strep and hand foot and mouth. It has been rough around here. Noone wants to eat anything or swallow.

On to a better post, before everyone was sick we took the kids to the zoo on Saturday. we saw a butterfly exhibit that was just amazing and I took a few pictures.

We really enjoyed this, it was quiet and serene.

Then a butterfly landed on our double stroller and Ben tried to kill it. Well really he was reaching for a binky on the next seat, but it was a close one.

did you see it? Look under Ben's elbow. Dave was trying to get a shot of the butterfly and Ben reached over for the binky.
Don't worry Dave rescued it from a slobbery death. Then it didn't want to get off of his hand, he had to go ask the attendant for help.

No zoo trip is complete without a stop to see the elephants getting a bath!

We also attended a 40th birthday party saturday night with the kids, started taking the bathroom apart (stripping wallpaper so we can paint) and had friends over with their three year old on sunday. It was a busy weekend and I've had plenty of phone calls to make to warn people their kid might get sick. Good times.

Ali-Rn, super nurse.

Today kicked my ass. I had a group of patients who just needed a lot of care. A guy on a long-term vent, with a g-tube. Another guy who may loose his foot. A lady with a life threatening blood clot, a sick little old lady, and a man with disabilities and a gi bleed. It was a busy day that included four dressing changes, four people on blood sugars every few hours, a vent to moniter, multiple line draws.

On top of that I was charge nurse for 12 hours, and orienting a new nurse for eight hours. Either my boss has faith in me, or he put no thought into it at all, and it's just how it landed.

I stood for about 13 hours straight today, running up and down a hallway. by the time i left my legs from the knees down ached, and my feet where on fire, even in super comfy crocs.

when I got home I of course grabbed my laptop and sat on the couch with my swollen legs up. I always know how hard I really worked, when I try to get up, and start doing a weird stumble thing, cause the legs just don't work.

there is no job like nursing.

Does 'always on' mean 'always seperate'?

Catherine of Her Bad Mother wrote a post today describing her experience at BlogHer this year. You can read it here:
http://badladies.blogspot.com/2008/07/thats-me-in-corner.html

I read this and felt my heart rip out of my chest. This post hit me on so many levels.

I know that feeling of being the mom, of being "on". Ever since I had my second child last september I'm always on. Before Ben, when it was just Will, if we got an invitation to a party, or a get together it sounded fun, it was something to look forward too. One child is so much more managable especially with two parents. Now if we get invited anywhere my thoughts are never about how much fun it will be. My thoughts are how much work it will be, making sure the kids are clean, nails cut, cute clean clothes, all the things I need to pack, extra clothes, sunscreen, hats, pj's, bottles, food, double stroller. By the time you get there your already tired,
a little bit grumpy. Then you have to constantly scan the crowd, who is holding the baby? Is he still happy? Has he eat/slept lately? Where did the three year old go? Is he near the water? Does he need to pee? Its getting near nap time should we go?
Ok its time to eat, what can I cut up for will? Come on hon just have a bite....

It's not something I can turn off if my children are near me, and they are young enough that I feel they need me nearby. This is one of the major reasons I haven't attended BlogHer, I've watched two conferences go by from the sidelines and just wished I could go. I could be brave like Catherine and take the baby but just the idea of trying to keep a busy crawling 10 month old entertained, fed and napped is scary. Never mind messing up the oh-so-fragile routine we have going. Leaving them this young is something I feel to guilty to do, and my husband is not exactly begging me to leave him with two little people for an entire weekend and spend the money we work hard to make on something other than our kids or our house or a vacation together.

Being a mother is what makes blogging vital to me. Every morning I get up too early, bring the kids downstairs, get one a chocolate milk, change the others diaper, get him a bottle, make myself a coffee. Once they are settled I log onto my laptop, I read posts, I check twitter. I need to know that there are still interesting things going on in the world. I need to feel like I am a part of the world, because once I was just me, with thoughts and desires and interests. Blogging preserves that part of me that just gets pushed further and further aside to tend to the now. The needs of children, the requirement to have clean clothes, and dishes, and meals made. On the internet I am the me I always was, just made wiser and more accepting because I am a mother, and more able to recognize what other mothers and woman are going through.

I will go to blogHer someday, I hope it is next year. I love blogging and the woman like Catherine that I read everyday. They don't know me, I'm not famous, but I get it, I'm a woman, I'm a mom...I'm a blogger.

if you need another laugh....

My husband usually comes in about 4:30-5pm on wednesdays, and then we throw the kids in the car and go eat dinner with my in-laws. He also usually calls to tell me he is on his way home. So when it got to be 5pm yesterday and he was a no call no show I called him. He was really busy at work and had lost track of time told me to take the kids to his parents and he would meet me there.

Did I mention my kids have been really high needs this week? Like driving me bonkers high needs? well yeah they have been. So I was annoyed he didn't bother to call and warn me I was going on my own, (I've done it a million times before, but yesterday it annoyed me)

I'm trying to get the kids ready and diaper bag packed, Will refuses to come to me to put his shoes on, I tell him to come now, he runs around the corner and yells back at me "you no say that to me!" (toldya he's fresh) but he did it right behind his baby brother and scares the shit out of him. Ben jumps and starts wailing. It was a mess. I finally have both kids ready, put on my backpack diaper bag, pick up Ben, put my purse on my other arm and escort everyone out the front door.

yeah it's never that easy is it?

somehow a little bungy chord thing on the diaper bag got caught in the screen door. I was able to walk about 4 feet away before I realized I was stuck. I feel the pull, turn around and see the stretch black chord stretched as far as it can go. I'm already annoyed and my hands are full. so i do what every sane person does, I start having a tug of war with the door by pulling away from it, that gets me nowhere.
So instead of just walking back to door I start doing this wild up and down side to side dance with the chord still stretched and the door opening and closing as I pull. If anyone had got that on video.....anyway I'm sure I looked like an idiot and of course I did have to just put my purse down, walk backwards to the door and free myself. As I walked to the car though I had a nice bungy chord tail dragging behind me...good times!

if you need a laugh...

you know those days when nothing you do makes your baby happy? You know how they cry all day, and you keep walking back to them saying "what?" "what do you need me to do?"
And then their big brother walks up.....



and then he walks away and it starts again...

fundraising, and fevers

ok second attempt at a blog post today....


I can't believe a week went by since my last post, but that's just how busy things have been around here....


On friday morning I ran around collecting donations for our raffle and dropping off the letters from the foundation (thank you lowes, bj's and chuck-e-cheese) I packed everything we would need and we took the camper and headed to a neighboring state to help my brother and sister-in-law with the third annual wiffleball tournament/family fun day to raise money for cystic fibrosis. I have mentioned before that my nephew has cystic fibrosis.

meet my nephew Weston

I wrote about it here when he was a year old http://rnmom.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!38C225B23145C601!386.entry?_c11_blogpart_blogpart=blogview&_c=blogpart#permalink. He is now 2 1/2, and doing very well, but the first 18 months of his life were touch and go. My sister in law has put all of her energy ( you know the energy she has left after parenting a 5 yr old girl and 2 1/2 year old boy who needs meds, chest pt and careful monitering of his diet due to allergies as well as his illness., working part time as a social worker and running a household) into fundraising because every dollar we raise is a step closer, allows the researchers to keep on working. She even started a webpage this year which you can check out here:


http://www.freewebs.com/walkingwithweston/index.htm

It looks like she hasn't posted this years pics yet but the great strides walk from this year is up as well as last years tournament. There is also a link on that page if you feel you would like to donate.


So we helped set up a large field, got the kids to sleep and started all over the next day. We didn't raise as much money as previous years, but we didn't get corporate sponcership we had recieved previous years, the weather was working against us ( it was extremely hot and so muggy we were sweating standing still), and we changed the venue, which may have confused people.


We did raise 2555.00, which hey-science is expensive and that is money they didn't have before right?

As the day went on Saturday I was feeling worse and worse which I attributed to the heat, I'm not a do well in extreme temps kind of girl. By the time we were packing up to head home though I had fever, chills, nausea, headache, sore throat. I had to drive the 45 minutes home with the kids, and let me tell you I've never had a such a hard time staying awake.

My loving husband did everything for the kids all day yesterday and kept sending me back to bed. Today is much better, still sick but functioning. So that in a nutshell is what has been keeping us busy...ok back to the couch for me!

Discipline

I love to go the ymca. I love meeting with my trainer and spending a whole hour child free. I love to do something just for me. I love that Will gets the chance to play in a new environment with other kids that he now looks forward to seeing. I love that everyone now knows us.

That doesn't mean it's easy getting there. On a good day I start getting ready at 8am, dress the kids, dress myself, pack the bags, feed the baby, change diapers and redress as needed, make the big one go potty, get everyone into the car, arrive for 9am, walk the kids to the nursery, sign them in and then I can go do my thing for an hour because Ben is still a baby and time is determined by age of the kid.

So it's an effort. Just like anything in this world that is worth it. An effort that I have been willing to make when it just effected me.

I've been feeling torn lately because I am a big fan of kids being on a routine (a flexible one) and sleeping when they need to sleep. I'm not judging how other parents need to do things, I just know my kids are happier and my day goes much more smoothly if I stick to nap times and don't run them around too much.

Until now there was no issue, Will takes one nap in the early afternoon, and Ben was an infant, and slept whenever. Now, however Ben wants a two hour nap in the morning and another nap in the afternoon, while Will wants a nap mid-day. It makes it difficult to find a good block of time to be out of the house, and makes me feel incredibly guilty to not let the baby sleep when he needs too. 2 days a week we are at the y when Ben should be sleeping, 2 days a week I work and the schedule is pretty much out the window, and it being summer on weekends there are projects to get done, fundraisers to throw, and family events to attend.

I've seen progress with the work I have done, more shapely waist, more shapely calves, my thighs not spilling over my knees, changes I don't want to lose. Today I had a conversation with my trainer about the timing issue, how I don't want to stop coming, how I don't want to lose what I have accomplished. We are going to try a new later morning time when hopefully Ben will already have napped and before Will naps. We also went over a half hour workout I can do at home with some hand weights and a ball (things I already have) and she wrote it all down for me.

I'm feeling so much better that we have what looks like a workable solution, I thought I was going to have to quit. Now I just need to have the discipline to stick to it!

Speaking of discipline.....a little story
When Will is getting into trouble I start counting in a stern voice, if I get to three and he hasn't corrected his behavior he goes directly to time out. We are working on freshness, talking back, and not listening. When we pulled into the Y parking lot a trainer had a group doing drills in the parking lot. I noticed but wasn't paying much attention. Will watched for a moment and heard the trainer counting as they did their repetitions. He turned to me and said, "who is being fresh mom?"

A new look for my blog!

Ok so I don't actually know what I'm doing, I figured out paint today, and I know my banner is a little fuzzy. (Anyone know how to fix that?) But I think it looks great!

I was inspired by one of Bens outfits that is all blue with cream and brown accents, I think the colors are pretty close. If I wasn't already so tired I would post a pic of it, maybe tomorrow.
ok must go to bed!

An amazing birthday!

I met real live bloggers! On my birthday! My husband and I have been planning a "mommy-daddy" trip for a while. The last time we went away just us was two years ago when we only had one kid.

Ahhh, only one kid, I remember that.....Anyway!

So who did I meet? Two wonderful woman!

Analis and Kelly

Lisa from Analis first amendment http://analisfirstamendment.blogspot.com/

This lovely lady has a food blog, and when I checked it out I learned she is also an attorney!
She helped my husband and I find our way to the T, she was sweet and friendly and I am now a fan of her blog! I even stole a recipe already, Dairy free/Vegan ice cream anyone?



I also met Kelly of Mocha Momma! So excited to meet her! http://www.mochamomma.com/

Kelly and I
On the ride to the hotel we met at all I could think was, "Ok Alison, compose yourself, don't act like preteen meeting a celebrity, you're a grown up, act normal!"
She was so pretty, with amazing blue eyes, and a huge smile. She introduced me to a new drink

Mojito's!!!

Posing with the sun in our faces!

It would have been nice to have had a little more time to talk before we all needed to go our separate ways, but I so enjoyed meeting these amazing people. I was more excited about meeting real bloggers than going to see Bon Jovi! Bloggers Rock!

gun control and my three year old

So what would you say to this boy:

if he handed you this toy:

( A geotrax bridge support for his train set)

and asked you to turn it into this:
I asked him why he wanted me to do it, and he said in his most big boy three year old voice

"to get those bad guys!" he then said "go like this" and held his arm up as if holding a gun and waved it at the living room ceiling.

My son doesn't know the word gun, it's not really a word that comes up much in our little world, and the one or two times it has we spell it, because I don't think it's a word he needs to know. He doesn't own any toy guns, not even squirt guns.

My son doesn't know what a gun does. He doesn't really even understand the concept of hurting another person beyond playgroup roughness, or how he needs to be gentle with his baby brother. I know he doesn't understand the concept of death. He only watches children's tv (pbs, disney), we don't even watch the news with him around, and he hates movies, and has absolutely not seen one that would tell him how a gun is used.

I have no idea where he got the idea to make a gun out of train track support, maybe the ymca, maybe his older cousins. I know he doesn't understand it.

I pulled off one leg for him and handed it back, why? Because I felt his limited idea of what he wanted to do with it was far less damaging than me making a big deal out of something he doesn't understand and calling his attention to it.

As soon as I handed it to him a little girl was at our front door to play for the morning. He no sooner had it in his hand then he tossed it on the couch and ran to go play with his friend.

So what would you have done?